Harry Potter and The South Park Kids
by MaddBoogie
Summary: A Story I wrote a while back under the pen name maddjammer and unfortunately i can't remember the email or password so yeah.... I don't own anything.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1:

It was a normal day in South Park Colorado, as four 11 year old kids stood at a bus stop waiting for their bus to run. The largest of the four, standing in the middle next to a kid in an orange coat and green hat and a kid in an orange parka, let out a loud yawn.

"Wow Cartman sounds like you didn't get much sleep last night" said the boy with a red poof ball hat and brown coat on the opposite end of the orange parka kid.

"No fucking duh Sherlock how did you guess that? Was it that I was yawning all morning or were you the asshole that kept sending that fucking bird to peck on my fucking window all night you gay butt fucking son of a bitch" Cartman shouted at the boy

"Jesus Christ Cartman what -… Wait was the bird a large owl?" the boy asked his fat ass friend.

"How did you know that is was an owl?" asked Cartman.

"Because an owl kept knocking on my window too" he replied

The other two boys entered the conversation. "You guys got an owl too, one kept pecking on my window for three hours then it gave up. But when I woke up this morning it was back" and then the other kid muffled something "mumf fmue humf hfuhf mfeug?" the boy finished. The three other boys looked at him. They could clearly understand what he was saying, but before the other boys could answer a large black man wearing a white apron and a white chefs hat walked up to them.

"Hello there children" boomed Chef

"Hey Chef" the four boys said in unison.

"How are things Children" he asked.

"Bad" they all chanted back.

"Oh! Why bad?" Chef asked them.

"Chef for some reason owls won't leave us alone" said the boy with the green hat.

"Owls, I knew it, I knew you boys would be accepted! Can you boys meet me at my house this evening, there I'll explain everything" chef said excited

"Sure Chef" they agreed.

"Oh and boys why the hell are you standing at the school bus stop, its still summer" Chef asked?

"CARTMAN, you fat ass you told us summer was canceled!" shouted the boy in the green hat.

"That's what my Uncle told me! He said that Saddam Hussein was caught butt fucking an American goat and summer was canceled in honor of that goat" Cartman retorted. The boy in the green hat turned red with rage.

"You are such a retard Cartman" he hissed through clenched teeth and he and the other boys started to walk away

"That's fine" Cartman yelled as they turned around he began to flip them off. He flipped off the boy with the red poof ball hat first "Fuck you Stan" he turned his finger toward the kid in the green hat "Fuck you Kyle, and fuck you Kenny" he finished as he flipped off the kid in the orange parka and stomped off in the opposite direction leaving a pissed off Stan, Kyle, and Kenny behind him.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Stan Marsh was a kid with a thousand troubles, from the crazy shit that went on in town, to his gay perverted teacher, and his childish father, he's learned to expect the unexpected. With messed up adventure after messed up adventure there really weren't a lot of people he could depend on. He of course had his friends who always seemed to make the situation more bearable, but in the end they were just kids like him. And then there was Chef the one adult he trusted above anyone else the one person who he could always turn to if he was in trouble.

Chef always seemed to have the answer and always knew what to do. But something didn't feel right. What on earth did owls want with him and his friends and what does it have to do with Chef? Stan knew that chef would never drag them into something bad but a life of crazy fucked up adventures has left him a bit paranoid. So he stood there in front of his mentor's house thinking of the million possibilities.

"Stan?" the voice of his best friend snapped Stan back to reality. He glanced over his shoulder to see Kyle Broflovski walking up to him.

"Dude what's up, why you just standing there?" Asked Kyle as he stopped by Stan's side looking at his friend with concern or if you want be a dick about it you could say that the look Kyle gave Stan was pretty gay.

Stan just kept looking towards Chef's house "I don't know dude this whole thing reeks of the usual messed up crap that leads us on a fucked up journey." As they looked on in silence they couldn't help but remember the times they showed up at Chefs door step begging for his guidance. As the two friends looked on they failed to notice the arrival of the other two members of their group.

"Aw look at that Kenny a couple queers out for a romantic evening." Cartman said as he snickered at his own antics, Kenny just shook his head at his fat bigoted sort of friends' insult. Kenny usually found the majority of Cartmans jokes funny but now wasn't the time for jokes they had a mystery involving weird fucking owls to solve.

"Shut up fat boy, we have more urgent business to attend to" Kyle growled as him and Stan reached Chef's porch.

Kenny and Cartman followed behind them feeling a little nervous about what chef was going to reveal to them, they didn't want to be the first ones mauled or whatever if it turned out to be something like the succubus incident. As Stan rang the door bell their fears and unease slowly died down as Chef answered the door. Sporting a huge grin and looking exceedingly excited, Chef quickly ushered them into the living room were an old man was sitting enjoying what they supposed was tea.

"Ah, these must be the boys you mentioned Chef." the old man assumed.

"Yes professor these are they, their all exceptionally talented boys, truly the best this town has to offer." Chef said with pride "I've watched them since the time they were very young, and the amazing things they've done, the epic adventures they've had I knew, I just knew that if there were any other wizards especially on the caliber you talked about it had to be these boys right here." The four boys were now looking at their mentor in confusion.

"_Just what the hell is Chef talking about?"_ Stan mused "Chef what the hell is going on, you said you would explain everything. But all you've done is talk to this old fruit." Stan finished his tiny rant.

"Stan that's no way talk to a great man like Albus Dumbledore, show some respect to your new headmaster" Chef scolded.

"Headmaster, Is that like a blowjob queen or something?" Cartman asked unsure if he was dealing with another sick fruit like Garrison.

"No retard it's what you call the principle at one of those stuffy boarding schools. But he's not Stan's Headmaster Chef, Stan goes to a public school like the rest of us." said Kyle while looking at Chef as though he had gone senile.

"Well you see boys there's something I've been meaning to tell you for the longest time but was worried, worried how you would take it, worried that I might have been wrong, but hearing about the owls that you've received I'm certain of it now, I've known and I'm sure you've boys must have at least expected you're not normal, you've known that ever since you've been able to walk weird things have happened to you, to your families, to this town and they most always seem to center around you four boys. Today is probably one of the my most proudest moments since coming to this town, Today I tell four exceptionally talented boys that they're Wizards, and they get a chance few American wizards get, to study at one of the world's foremost school of magic, HOGWARTS!" Chef finished with a look of pride etched in his face.

"Ok, you have obviously been eating Stan's Uncle Jimbo's brownies again haven't you" Cartman said as he looked as though Chef had gone bonkers.

"Eric, I thought you'd be the last one to question it, you've always said you were special and here's proof you are, are you going to ignore the obvious signs of the power you and your friends posses, are you going to just continue your life as a muggle or are you going to accept the fact you're a wizard and go on to greatness like the rest of your friends?" Chef exclaimed.

"Whoa Chef rewind, I don't think any of us have decided on what we're going to do, mostly cause, I am still confused as all hell, and the rest of the guys are too. You say we're not normal, I can't argue with you there, you say were wizards which is the reason this town is as messed up as it is, that's harder to accept, and then you say that we have a chance to study at some school that only god knows where. And all the while your acting like it's some big honor, well I don't know about that. All I know is that we've seen, heard, and done some crazy shit, shit that you get nightmares over and your saying it's our own fault, I've hoped, my friend have hoped that it wasn't us but this town or something or anything other than us, and now you're telling us our biggest fears are true, that we're the freaks and that we can never have the normal life we so desperately prayed for" Stan nearly shouted heartbroken over the final nail in the coffin. He knew now that he and his friends were doomed to this permanent insanity.

"Young man" the old man that Chef had called Dumbledore had spoken up "I understand the burden you and your friends have carried, and now understand why Chef pushed so hard for Hogwarts to take in students from the lawless zone that has become North America, for first time since the revolutionary war, He knew as I do now that you boys need a change of environment. A place to be with your own kind, to better understand who and what you are, but don't misunderstand, just because you have magic, have power doesn't mean you can't be normal. No being normal is a concept, intangible and without a true form, for either muggle or wizard normalcy is what you make it. True you may never lead the same lives as your classmates at school but you'll live your own life and you'll find your own normalcy" Dumbledore finished with a twinkle in his eyes as he stared at the four mesmerized boys.

"And don't think I would send you off somewhere without knowing where it was or what it was like, I thought you boys knew me better, I went to Hogwarts when I was your age, had amazing adventures and made great friends. It's a place where you boys will reach your full potential, where you'll go from talented boys to exceptional young men, you four have greatness in you and if you stay here any longer I fear it will fester and rot turning something amazing and beautiful into something dangerous and ugly." Chef reasoned with the boys as a look of hurt at their suspicions quickly passed over his features.

The boys had enough grace to look ashamed at doubting their mentor for even a moment. Even though the news that they're the reason behind all the strange incidents around the town had disheartened them they should have known not to doubt Chef, he had always had their best interests at heart. Silently each of the boys had made their decisions, they were going to Hogwarts, and after hearing that Chef had gone there when he was a kid had only strengthen their resolve to go, though they still had tons of questions for Chef and Dumbledore, they knew they were going.

**[A Week Later Outside the Leaky Cauldron] **

Four young boys followed a large black man wearing a chef's hat and apron into the central hub for all British witches and wizards. A pub by the name "The Leaky Cauldron" where according to Chef they would gain access to a magical shopping center called Diagon Alley where they would get all their school supplies. Stan while following his mentor and friend into the heart of British wizarding society couldn't help but think of the string of events that brought them all the way to England, which still confused him, if Hogwarts was in Scotland then what were they doing in England, but that was just one thought out of a hundred that raced through Stan Marshes head. He thought about how his parents had problems accepting what he was, out of all their parents his where the only ones who seemed to have had a problem with it. They wouldn't even see him off as they took a portkey from Chef's house to the Ministry of Magic. Chef had told him that they would come around eventually but Stan wasn't sure if he cared if they accepted him or not, after all the years he spent with his selfish crazy parents, it was like this was the straw that broke the camel's back, it was true that they loved him very deeply but fact of the matter was his parent often made selfish decisions that caused him some kind of emotional distress, so he didn't care how they felt. In fact he was glad to be rid of them for a little while, maybe some time apart would strengthen the family bond or break them, either or, Stan didn't really give a damn.

While Stan thought of his parents and magic and how the fuck is train going to take them to Scotland wasn't there a sea separating them, was there a bridge? Stan didn't know (and honestly neither do I, I suck at geography) his best friend Kyle was bursting with excitement. Kyle watched the wanders of the magical world as he took the protkey to England. Landing in crumpled mass on the floor, fortunately Cartman landed first so not only did he not get crushed but he had a nice cushion to fall on, he witnessed the wander and majesty of the English Ministry of Magic. From the floo powder networks, to the lefts and the interoffice memos, it all mesmerized him to the possibilities and filled him with his current abundance of excitement that made him want to search every nook and cranny of the magical World.

With Stan pondering and Kyle Mesmerized Kenny was left to have the usual conversation with Cartman, minus the ghetto song, Kenny at first was afraid that he wouldn't be able to attend but when Professor Dumbledore explained to him that Hogwarts had funds set aside for students from households with no form of income, he felt relief wash over him. Though he was able to come he wasn't spared Cartmans inane babbling and constantly ripping on him for being poor. To Kenny this was an opportunity to finally find out what he was and why he wouldn't die, or if he wasn't dieing at all, just having really realistic dreams. Whatever was going on with him this was his chance for answers maybe Dumbledore would know, or even Chef, he once debated asking Chef once, but realized that he had died in front of him before and Chef never brought it up, so maybe Chef would be just as confused about what was happening to him as he was.

Cartman noticed Kenny wasn't paying any attention to him so he let his mind wander. Much like Kyle Cartman was captivated by this new revelation of magic, what he could accomplish, his wildest dreams where finally in his grasp. Cartman was well known for being a cruel sadistic bastard child that was evil incarnate; from his anti-Semitism to his narrow dogmatic views and his drive to manipulate and dominate those of weaker wills. He was one not to cross but fortunately he was stupid, like really, really stupid which boded well for his friends who could always out smart him.

So as the boys followed Chef into a dark and crowded pub, their minds filled with wonder. Chef lead them through a backdoor that lead to a brick wall, Chef quickly took out stick which he called a wand and tapped the brick wall at what seemed to be random points. The boys were amazed when the wall magically opens to reveal a bustling street filled with people wearing strange robes and some even wearing pointed hats. Chef quickly led them to the building at the end of the street.

"Where are we going to first Chef?" asked Kyle as he followed suit.

"Where heading to Gringotts, a wizarding bank, to get the muggle money your parents gave us changed Kyle." Chef replied to his young friend.

Getting their money was, if anything, eventful, with Cartman constantly laughing at the Goblins, and seeing a huge man with a kid about their age, stop and chat a little with Chef before dismissing himself by saying "Have to go got Official Hogwarts Business" and going with a rather offended goblin to the lower vaults. Kyle for second thought the goblin ,Griphook, was going to curse Cartman but was disappointed as he just glared real hard and then went on to the lower vaults with Hagrid, apparently that's the giants name, and Harry Potter, which for some odd reason Chef seemed really excited about meeting. As they left Gringotts Chef warned Cartman to be more respectful to magical creatures, especially goblins, it seemed they weren't the type to be crossed.

Their little group made their way to the several stores which held their schools supplies they first went into Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions and bought their school robes and afterwards onwards to Flourish and Blotts for their books, along with the acquired books Kyle bought a few extra ones that caught his interests. Then after what seemed like a an eternity of visiting a bunch of generic wizard shops they finally came across a sign that read "The Magical Menagerie" where Cartman dragged them inside where he bought an intelligent orange tabby that seemed to have a poor disposition, whom Cartman dubbed Crooks, Stan had also gotten an animal, an owl which the young lady behind the counter had identified a Greater Sooty Owl, which Stan had named Rocket.

With all their supplies bought and a couple of animals added to their group Chef lead them to what was probably the most important store they would visit that day. The shop where they would get their wands, above the Store's entrance a sign hung that said "Ollivanders". As they entered the Store a creepy old man scared the shit out of them.

"Well four young boys here for their first wands? Ah Chef, Dragon Heartstring, African Mahogany, 12 inches, strong unyielding." The old creep who the boys assumed was Ollivander cooed.

"My god you are one creepy old bastard, I bet you have a basement you let no one in because you keep all your "trophies" there." Cartman said with one eyebrow rose above the other.

"I remember every wand I've ever sold, every single one." Ollivander supplied.

"That's cool, I guess, can we get our wands please?" Kyle asked.

As they lined up to get their wand, they each felt a rise in their excitement, as wand is the most important tool for wizard, it's what proves they are what they are, in way it defines them.

They each were measured and the right wand was found for them

Cartman got a Dragon Heartstring, White Ash wood, 11 inches, unrelenting

Kyle, Unicorn Hair, Red Alder, 12 ½ inches, flexible

Stan, Phoenix Tail Feather, Blue Ash, 13 inches, resilient

Kenny, Dragon Heartstring, Black Alder, 11 ½ inches, unyielding

As they left Ollivanders that day they noticed for first times in their life they felt complete. Chef lead them back to the Leaky Cauldron to spend the night, for in the morning they would get on a train heading towards what would be there school and home for the next seven years.


End file.
